I failed.
Yesterday seemed like a life changing day.
I had a purpose, i had hunger, i was tired and i had more drive than in the last 2 years. I was sleepy. Yet i did not go to sleep, i did not eat right, i did not move - I failed. Again. And I am tired of it.
A few hours back my mind was so fed up i decided to play a game on my computer.Played it for 13 minutes. The longest i could hold it up.
I felt anxiety, smothered, inprisoned on the open world. A headache came flying in. I needed oxygen, sanity, common sense. Wathever oxygen existed in these four walls it was simply not enough. As for the other things it has been long since i lost them. I needed them. I crumbled on the hallway in search of something. Opened the windows and could not see the sky. I began to feel despair. The sound of a truck passing by provided me some of much needed relief, something to tell me it was all ok. Life existed. Lives existed. Lives beyond my own.
And yet, do they really exist?
I found a long time ago everything and everyone just seemed dull.
After getting to know people i found out they were dull, normal, family, friends, reality (their reality). they accepted everything as it came, everyone as they came - but not as they were. They badmouth everything and everyone. And i dont really understand why? Is it Hate? Why does it have to exist in them? An outlet? From what? I do not understand Hate. Dislike yes. Not Hate. I did not understand them.
They accepted everything without questioning their existence, others or their own. How can that be so?
..
i can not finish this.
I'll write it as i can...
Yesterday seemed like a life changing day.
I had a purpose, i had hunger, i was tired and i had more drive than in the last 2 years. I was sleepy. Yet i did not go to sleep, i did not eat right, i did not move - I failed. Again. And I am tired of it.
A few hours back my mind was so fed up i decided to play a game on my computer.Played it for 13 minutes. The longest i could hold it up.
I felt anxiety, smothered, inprisoned on the open world. A headache came flying in. I needed oxygen, sanity, common sense. Wathever oxygen existed in these four walls it was simply not enough. As for the other things it has been long since i lost them. I needed them. I crumbled on the hallway in search of something. Opened the windows and could not see the sky. I began to feel despair. The sound of a truck passing by provided me some of much needed relief, something to tell me it was all ok. Life existed. Lives existed. Lives beyond my own.
And yet, do they really exist?
I found a long time ago everything and everyone just seemed dull.
After getting to know people i found out they were dull, normal, family, friends, reality (their reality). they accepted everything as it came, everyone as they came - but not as they were. They badmouth everything and everyone. And i dont really understand why? Is it Hate? Why does it have to exist in them? An outlet? From what? I do not understand Hate. Dislike yes. Not Hate. I did not understand them.
They accepted everything without questioning their existence, others or their own. How can that be so?
..
i can not finish this.
I'll write it as i can...
