Night sky

went to the backyard for a while
saw the full bright moon lighting up the sky, above the only strip of clouds in the night sky - a dark painting, like the ones i used to stay awake on those cold nights just to look, look at the sky, look at the stars, sometimes even eating instant curry noodles with hashi or playing guitar and my dogs around me, keeping me warm...

those days are gone now...
fuck, even 2 of my dogs are gone...
went riding my bicycle from dawn to 3 a.m. looking everywhere
for several days straight
only to be dead tired and depressed for dont know how long after it
and fail my exams or not even going to them
even now when i hear a dog barking my heart skips a beat

only got one left
black haired with the most perfect hazel eyes i have ever seen

i really do believe i am not capable of loving a person
really dont care if im gay or straight
even now i dont have the means to really confirm any of the two
i had nothing of much value in my life
and now i have even less
no one to be there, no one to care about,
no one to share

No one to Love

I'm not joking when i write that the only reason i haven't killed myself already is because of curiosity of knowing what exactly does it feel to love someone

my dogs were the ones i loved,
who kept me warm and happy
nights like these only bring sadness to my mind
that only starts to fade away because my attention turns to something stupid
"why is it stupid?" - it always is...


i forgot what i ment to say with this post
i wonder even i had a point to begin with

fuck! i dont know... i really do think too much...



ps: if you are curious why i did that sometimes its because my house sits atop of an old castle wall and my view is one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen
i posted a photo of the view from my backyard in some other post - look it up and you'll understand why