Darkness
Total darkness. It is what i long for
I no longer ride the bus.
There i could at least enjoy being in the shadows and look through the glass windows, trying to ignore my reflected image, and i would find in the long distance that darkness that i so long for.

The subway, also, failing my wishes. Even though it circulates most of the times underground the strong lights turned the gigantic windows into almost flawless mirrors, covering up the darkness with the reflections of every other people - ugly people, smelly people, junkies, old people, students, jocks, whatever - many of them invading my personal space. Then again, it is a crammed place and personal space is a luxury in such cases, a nonexistent one anyway.

No such things in trains.
This floor i sit on is dirty as something i hardly get to see - doesn't matter. Its December and its cold as hell, even more accentuated by the fact that the train moves about 90-100 km/h - meaningless fact. Im riding in the cargo area with doors on both sides open - not important. Im wearing all-stars, skimpy jeans, t-shirt and a hippie-like long sleeved shirt - ok, it's a bit chilly...

...meaningless

I fucking love it!
Im alone. In the cargo area, freezing myself to death in the night air, yes. Alone nonetheless.
No glass windows in such a place. Just doors. The lights are strong and that is still what annoys me. But i get to feel the sweet air in my body and stare at the outside darkness. Not total darkness because these pesky humans are everywhere but it is still sometimes there.
With poor headphones and nice music i'm in heaven.

Twenty minutes away from my stop, the cold air, a 30 minute walk through the city to my bedroom, unmade bed, gross housemates and a sleepless night I am alone. Covered in light but staring at not so dark darkness.
Darkness nonetheless...